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Summerslam 2004: Alex Fitzgerald’s Personal Hell

by on July 25, 2011

By Alex Fitzgerald

I sat here bored on a Friday night and needed something to do that would make me feel productive. I decided “Hey, I’ll review a SummerSlam. It is the next PPV after all and it would be topical”. So I of course choose something from when I was younger and was a younger fan. Specifically, the 2004 SummerSlam. I didn’t know what I got myself into. What follows are the notes I made while watching this event.

JR welcomes us to the WWE’s version of the “Summer Games”. Hurr a durr, he doesn’t mean The Olympics, does he?

King’s wearing a turtleneck and a jacket. Eh, classy enough for him I guess.

Two douchers behind Tazz and Cole have a play fight by putting each other in a headlock.

The first match is the Dudleys vs Mysterio, London and Kidman. At this point, Spike was “calling the shots”.

I totally forgot that London and Kidman were a tag team, let alone tag team champs.

Bubba pulls London’s hair and Tazz says that’s what “The Dudleys do best”. I guess that is right before being fat washed up cunts.

First vintage from Michael Cole.

A “We want tables” chant starts from the Air Canada Center. Oh Toronto, you so crazy.

After seeing Bubba stiff the hell out of London, I’m reminded how much I hated the Dudleys in their late WWE run.

Second vintage from Michael Cole.

Bubba hits D-Von followed by an enziguri for the hot tag to Rey.

Wow, I forgot Rey was actually mobile at some point. No diving splashes from a muscle gutted luchador here.

Big pop from Kidman as he dives on Bubba. After that a 619 followed by a SSP gets the two after D-Von pulls Kidman out of the ring.

3D on Kidman gives the Dudleys the win.

Next is the “Till Death Do Us Part” match between Kane and Matt Hardy. Second match in and I’m already regretting watching this show.

They replay when Lita had a DNA test taken on a fetus that was still inside of her. Science! Speaking of infants, Matt flips out at this news. Anyone else wonder why the cops weren’t called when a rape took place?

You raped my girlfriend! LET’S HAVE A CONTEST IN THE RING!

Matt Hardy is still Version 1 apparently. Computer or not, the winner will be getting a virus of some sort from their new bride.

Hardy not even letting Kane do the arm pyro dealio. He. Means. Business.

King says Hardy is a “Man on a Mission”. Ironically enough, he is around the size of Mabel at this point in time. The fat fuck.

Lawler with the morning sickness jokes. Speaking of vomit, this match is still going on.

Tweesteahfate on the outside. Oh noez, Kane is knocked ou- oh nevermind he sat up.

Lita gets the ring bell and puts it in the ring. She distracts the ref and Chioda never heard the loud ass smack from the bell. Also the first unprotected head shot of the night.

Sweet ass top rope chokeslam ends the match. Lita now has to marry Kane. The only good thing  to come out of this angle was the jizztastic ensemble Trish Stratus wore at the wedding.

Lita runs away from Kane with all the grace of a drunk lemur.

Randy Orton being interviewed by Todd Grisham who is wearing something from a 1970’s used car lot. John Cena crashes the promo and talks jive in Canada. The only person who understood him in the country is Snow.

Next is Booker T vs Cena for the United States Championship. Aparently this was the first match in a best of five series. I have no recollection of this whatsoever.

According to Tony Chimmel, Jeaaaaaawn Cena is in the hizzouse.

Tazz calls Cena the Doctor of Thuginomics and I start thinking about Doctor Cheung.

Booker converts to Islam and locks in a camel clutch.

Cole calls it “picking apart”, I call it “fucking boring”.

Spinaroonie for no reason followed by an FU gives Cena the three count.

Teddy Long calls Bischoff the “Head Cracka in Charge of Raw”. I shit you not.

Bischoff doubts Long will be around by the 2004 Survivor Series.

FUCK MY LIFE. DIVA DODGEBALL IS ON THIS SHOW.

Batista’s out next for the Triple Threat for the Intercontinental Title.

A very stringy haired Jericho is out next and is followed by the current IC Champ, “Toronto’s own” Edge. Which means Edge is fucked. As soon as I typed that, Batista jumped him.

I’m reminded how much I hate WWE Triple Threat matches. Two guys in the ring, then one gets swapped out and repeat.

Jericho rolls out of the ring and it’s now Edge and Batista going at it now.

Batista kicks Edge in the breadbasket. I just wanted to say breadbasket somewhere in this review.

Botched rollout by Batista and the crowd booos the fuck out of him for it.

Edge and Jericho now will go at it with Batista on the outside.

Walls of Jericho is broken up after like two minutes by Batista.

The crowd really doesn’t like Edge for some reason.

A topical Hurricane Charlie reference is made by King.

A VERY loud Y2J chant starts followed by Lawler once again saying they were in “Bizarro Land”.

Spear on Jericho for the three and the crowd goes mild.

Eddie Guerrero vs Kurt Angle is up next. This has to be good, right?

They just showed Angle being tossed from a balcony followed by El Grande Luchador in the hype vid.

Luther Reigns is managing Angle tonight. In a few months, he will cut his “Peas B’fo” promo on a Smackdown before Thanksgiving and the wrestling landscape will never be the same again.

Eddie comes out in the only Lo-Rider in Canada. And Cole for some reason is shocked that it has hydraulics.

Luther Reings has over-sized ear rings tonight. Not even gauges, but like big ass hoop rings.

Eddie locks on the Ankle Lock.

Now Eddie is in the Ankle Lock.

Eddie Guerrero and Kurt Angle are having a borefest. That is something I never thought I’d type.

This match has virtually been all Ankle Locks.

Third vintage from Michael Cole.

Man, I could go for a Dr. Pepper right now. Just sayin’.

Eddie hits an Angle Slam on Angle. The only way the crowd could be more dead is if a nuke was dropped on the arena.

Eddie goes for the Frog Splash but the pool is empty.

Ref bumps as Eddie his Angle and Reigns with his shoe and fakes an injury to a big pop.

Tazz just said Jimminy Crickets. Imagine 1998 FTW era Taz saying this.

Another fucking Angle Lock and Eddie finally taps. That match was shit.

Next is Eugene vs Triple H. UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

According to the Raw writers, there’s nothing like seeing a retard get the shit beaten out of him.

I’m reminded that HHH used to throw open water bottles into the crowd. What is he, fucking Shamu?

King talks about the Olympics and the viewers are reminded that they could be watching the Athens games instead of this shit.

JR brings up Eugene’s retard strength.

Hunter uses Lillian as a human shield. She gets “injured” and the PPV just got a tad bit better.

HHH meets the Spanish Commentary team by taking their shit off of the table.

Eugene does the ten punches in the corner but loses track and has to re-count at eight.

Haitch fakes a knee injury and the Jack Doan throws up an “x” with his hands. But he was faking. Oh, that wiley Triple H.

The crowd is booing Eugene. I guess his gimmick hits too close to home for them.

Rock Bottom from Eugene. His moveset is like a shitty Smackdown vs Raw CAW you’d play on XBL, or God forbid PSN.

Lawler admits he is a rubbernecker.

Triple H has a sleeper on Eugene. Slow it up bro.

To say the crowd hates Eugene is an understatement.

Eugene hulks up and Eugene hits the worst Manhattan Drop in the history of our sport.

The retard then flips off Hunter and gives him a Stunner.

Ric Flair then walks out and struts for no discernible reason but gets a loud pop regardless.

Hogan leg drop on Trips for a two count.

Eugene hits HHH with a Pedigree but Flair put his leg on the ropes.

Doan ejects Flair and he goes FUCKING CRAZY and Wooos for no reason.

A zombie looking William Regal comes out and Brass Knucks Regal.

Eugene is distracted by the shuffle long enough for Haitch to hit a Pedigree for the win.

The crowd boos Eugene as he leaves the ring.

It’s time for Diva Dodgeball and I want to slit my wrists.

Team Diva Search Sluts is introduced followed by Team Raw Divas.

I’m pretty sure Jazz made my dick go inside of my body.

Oh I get it, they’re playing with balls. Hardy har har.

Just going to remind you, the reader, that this was on a $49.99 PPV.

The Diva Search whores win with the last elimination being made by a young Michelle McCool.

Loud boos following the Diva segment.

I see that Taker vs JBL is next and I get excited because I know what happens in this match.

Tonight, Undertaker’s entrance is three and a quarter minutes long.

JBL going to the top rope and hits a big shoulder block. Can’t say I saw that coming.

Undertaker….hits…an armbar. What is this, I don’t even.

The fourth vintage from Michael Cole.

Taker with a triangle choke. The crowd is starting to get bored.

JBL sweeps the leg on the steel steps and Taker’s is hurt.

THE CROWD IS ERUPTING AS THEY ARE DOING THE FUCKING WAVE OUT OF BOREDOM!

JBL and Taker look pissed, to. Still, the crowd continues to do the wave. Legit, this is one of my favorite fan moments ever. I’d put it up there with Terry Funk asking the crowd for a chair in ECW.

Cole and Tazz go over all the things the crowd has done “wrong” in the night.

JBL and Mean Mark are now putting on a “mat ass-ic”.

Fifth vintage from Michael Cole.

The crowd is now loudly chanting “Spanish Table”. Never change, Toronto. Never change.

The fans on the hard cam side are now just doing goofy shit to see themselves on the titantron.

Funk Spinning Toe Hold by JBL on Taker. Crowd still could give a shit.

They start one of those “Yay/Boo” punch spots. The crowd doesn’t play along.

Taker either hit a Clothesline From Hell or just a big clothesline.

Everyone is down. Even Nick Patrick.

OJ attacks Taker and Cole is now calling every clothesline a Clothesline from Hell.

Taker hits JBL with the title and gets DQ’d.

The crowd starts cheering as a fan who hopped the guardrail started dancing on top of JBL’s limo. This could have ended in disaster. I’ll explain why in a sec.

JBL has now bladed and was just thrown through the gimmicked roof of the limo the fan was just dancing on. Yep, the fan could of just blown one of the biggest spots on the PPV.

Taker then wipes Bradshaw’s blood on his chest, sticks his tongue out a few times and leaves hating the city of Toronto for life.

Jordan then helps the injured JBL by PULLING HIM OUT OF THE LIMO.

The crowd shows their concern with a “NA NA NA NA HEY HEY HEY HEY GOODBYE” chant while the commentary team puts their solem voices on.

A random ice cream truck is parked outside of the Air Canada Center.

Now it’s time for Randy Orton to be awarded the vacated World Heavyweight Championship.

A video package starts where show the main event of WrestleMania XX going to a time limit draw and the title being vacated by Eric Bischoff.

Highlights of the tournament are shown with such stars as “Horse Cock” Lance Storm, Rob Conway, Mark Jindrak, and Tyson Tomko all falling to Orton.

The finals were held on the previous Monday Night Raw that took place in Rio Di Janero, Brazil where Orton defeated Shawn Michaels in the finals.

Orton came out with pyro and then started to wrestle the air for the next twenty nine minutes and four seconds. After the play match Earl Hebner awarded Orton the World Title.

Gracious in defeat, Orton then shook the air’s hand in a show of respect as the show ends.

Overall, this show was fucking cat shit. Mediocre match after mediocre match after fucking dodgeball after mediocre match. The matches all seemed to go on for too long and had way to many rest holds in them. The only saving grace was the crowd. They were by far the saving grace of this overall dull show. Which is shocking since the card looked great. I know the WWE wants to forget this show for other reasons coughbenoitcough but I’d burn every copy of it for just being a big old bucket of ass. In the end though, at least “Bizarro Land” had some taste.

-Fitz

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