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El Pasco, Texas: Ultimate Warrior, Teddy Hart and Charlie Sheen: A Psychoanalytical Comparison

by on June 14, 2011

(Note from Tom: The views expressed in this portion of the column are Ben Pasco’s alone and DO NOT reflect those of myself, Mike Falcone, or anyone else involved in Mike & Tom Present…. The speculated drug usage, murderous suggestions and pedophile accusations are just that: speculation. Enjoy the article.)

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By Ben Pasco

Andy Warhol said, “in the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes” (except Andy Warhol never said he would look like Doc Brown from Back to the Future, so that proves how short-sighted he was).|

Just several months ago, everyone went gaga when “The Wild Thing” himself, Charlie Sheen, declared war on all of us both visually, auditory…and Internetly. The masses of the world took the news by storm and within moments, Charlie Sheen was on top of the heap of celebrity culture. People adored him or questioned his sanity, but nobody ever sat down and questioned why we weren’t celebrating the fact that Two and a Half Men was off the air. Jon Cryer is incredibly lucky that he was the ultimate cuckolded nerd “Ducky” in Pretty in Pink or else he’d be completely irrelevant (or as they say in the Kingdom of Babar, “Irrelephant”).

But much like sand in the hourglasses, nowadays nobody gives a fuck about Charlie Sheen. His celebrity stock has plummeted faster than (insert crazy old Southern person saying here). However, with his disappearance from the mainstream and lack of interest from all but the nerdiest of dorks, it’s appropriate that Charlie Sheen now finds himself lumped in with two men who find themselves masters
of the grappling arts.

See, we wrestling fans are used to delusional and possibly drug addicted loons rambling about how awesome they are (Rob Feinstein has made a small fortune just filming them, after all). The question comes to mind, “Just exactly how bad is Charlie Sheen?”. Does the man even rank up there with some of professional wrestling’s most “Crazed Kings of Catch as Catch Can”? With my first official article I’ll put that to the test as Charlie Sheen goes toe to toe with a pair of nut jobs in a series of categories to see just who’s the baddest (brained) man on the planet really is.

Charlie Sheen versus The Ultimate Warrior versus Teddy Hart.

7 Rounds, One Winner.

Round 1: BEST QUOTE

Charlie Sheen: “I’m bi-winning. I win here, I win there.

Teddy Hart: “If you cheer for me, I’ll die for you”

The Ultimate Warrior: “You are nothing but a normal; you don’t deserve to breathe the same air that I and Hulk Hogan do! Hulk Hogan, I must ask you now as you asked me, do you Hulk Hogan want your ideas, your beliefs to live forever? For Hulk Hogan, in this normal world, physically none of us can live forever. But the places you have taken the Hulkamaniacs, the ideas and beliefs that you have given them can live through me Hulk Hogan. That is why I breathe, that is why the Warriors have come. Hulk Hogan, there are ones that question where you are taking them. Do you no longer want to walk or step into that darkness? Hulk Hogan, that darkness I speak of is nothing of fear. It is about the beliefs…of accepting any and all challenges at the cost of losing everything, Hulk Hogan. You have lived, Hulk Hogan, for the last 5 Wrestlemanias for this one belief.

(Takes breath, drinks water….and…)

Now Hulk Hogan, I come to take what you believe in further then you ever could. I come, Hulk Hogan, not to destroy the Hulkamaniacs and Hulkamania. I come, Hulk Hogan, to bring the Warriors and Hulkamaniacs together as one as we, Hulk Hogan, accept all the challenges with all the strength of the Warriors and Hulkamaniacs together as one. Hulk Hogan, the colors of the Hulkamaniacs are coming through the pores of my skin…and Hulk Hogan…when we meet, Hulk Hogan, I will look at you and you will realize then that I have come to do no one no harm, but only Hulk Hogan to take what we both believe in to places it shall never have been!”

Advantage: Teddy Hart. It’s hard to endorse the long-windedness of The Warrior or unnecessary hyphenation of Charlie Sheen, so this round goes to the short-sightedness of Theodore Hart and his desire to become Mickey Rourke.

Round 2: FAMOUS FAMILY 

Charlie Sheen: Oh, where do we begin? Charlie’s father Martin is the one who taught us to believe in the American President again, his brother Emilio taught Charlie Conway to believe in himself, and his former sister-in-law Paula Abdul taught us to believe in telling people straight up if you want to love them forever (oh-oh-oh).

Teddy Hart: Stu, Bret, Owen, Bruce, Keith, Alison, Diana, Ellie, Davey Boy, Anvil,
Harry, Smith, Michelle, Danny, Joey, Jesse, DJ, Stephanie. The man’s family is bred
for pro wrestling and tragedy. They’re like the “workrate Kennedys”.

Ultimate Warrior: I don’t think he even has any famous family…oh wait, Amanda Warrior. Honestly, where was Chris Hansen during that segment? I got the heebies jeebies just thinking about how “Ultimate” one man’s love can be.

Advantage: Charlie Sheen. I mean, come on! Emilio was in Judgment Night, no brainer!

Round 3: POLITICS

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Sheen believes in only a few things: “Tiger’s Blood”, porn stars, and that 9/11 was a work. The star of Major League II has indicated on numerous occasions that our government is lying to us and that 9/11 was tomfoolery and fakery. If only Money Talks never happened.

Teddy Hart: Not knowing the man, I’d imagine all his politics involve weed being legal and Vince McMahon being a piece of shit.

Ultimate Warrior: If he was Brett Hull in my copy of NHL ’97, he couldn’t be more right wing (Sidebar: That was a hockey joke just for Mike) (Sidebar 2: For those wondering, my dream team in that game was Gretzky, Hull, Eric Lindros, Jari Kuri, Ray Borque and Patrick Roy). The man is just utterly conservative and borderline reactionary, and let’s just says that Glee cannot be amongst his
favorite television shows (Sorry, Alex Green.).

Winner: The Ultimate Warrior. Look, the man’s policies are absurd, but at least he has an opinion that doesn’t involve conspiracies, whether it is wrestling or national. Besides, I support the “abortions for some, tassels for others” platform.

Round 4: ATTIRE

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Sheen looks like the Cryptkeeper’s early years at this moment. He’s fallen victim to “young man syndrome”, in trying to be all hip with his backwards caps, collared shirts, and kooky demeanor. Gross.

Ultimate Warrior: Facepaint + tassles=money. (See Hassels, Tassles) Fuck you Jim Cornette, but Warrior drew more money than a..um, green crayon?

Teddy Hart: He made CM Punk a drug-free suit and I’m ninety percent sure he makes his own gear without knowing how to sew.

Advantage: Teddy Hart. If only for reminding us what Techno Team 2000 would dress like past the year 2000…

Round 5: DRUGS

Charlie Sheen: The man has ingested more cocaine that an underprivileged Columbian girl looking for a fresh start in America. The man is just a party animal that by all intents and purposed should be dead by now, but the “Warlock King” still stands.

Teddy Hart: I mean, at the very least he has to smoke weed, right?

Ultimate Warrior: He had to have had a summer home in the “CokeaNose”.

Advantage: Charlie Sheen.

Round 6: BIGGEST ENEMIES

Ultimate Warrior: Hulk Hogan. As of late, The Warrior has decided to make the controversial stand of hating on good ol’ Terry Bollea, to prove some sort of point. While the ramblings of an old man on the internet are usually entertaining (‘Sup, Damian Demento), this time the panache has really been taken away by a lack of facepaint and tassels. Regardless, Warrior has made a vow to make Hogan’s life pay (and apparently our ears as well).

Charlie Sheen: Chuck Lorre. Dr. Drew Pinksy’s calm level of rationality finished second on this list followed by the LAPD, the United States government, Denise Richards and Heidi Fleiss. But for now, Mr. Lorre sits atop the throne. Chuck Lorre created Two and a Half Men and for that he should be sentenced to some sort of punishment.

There’s no joke. I honestly believe that.

Teddy Hart: Himself. Sort of like the mirror stage in Mortal Kombat, Teddy Hart is the Plaxeco Burress of professional wrestling: always shooting himself in the foot (except the way he burns bridges, he tends to shoot more like R. Budd Dwyer – Google it).

Advantage: Ultimate Warrior. Chuck Lorre has the decency to ruin America behind the camera and Teddy Hart battling himself just sounds hilarious. I got to give it to the man whose bodyslam of Andre twenty years ago caused global warming.

FINAL Round: DEFINITIVE CRAZIEST MOMENT

Charlie Sheen: Shooting Kelly Preston. That’s right” he accidently shot Kelly Preston and forced her into the chubby Italian, ambiguously sexual arms of John Travolta. If only he finished the job and we never got Holy Man
Ultimate Warrior: The “queering doesn’t make the world work” speech. I mean, in this day and age of attempted tolerance, Warrior decided that pedophilia with Amanda Warrior was acceptable, but that two dudes doing kissing with each other was a huge deal. It was at that moment that “The Facepainted One” became less of a goofy punchline and more of a “WTF” moment.

Teddy Hart: Main Event Spectacles. The post-match that launched a thousand DVD’s and angry Livejournal posts. Teddy Hart essentially decided to sell less then Andy Bernard and just start diving all over the scramble cage, injuring several wrestlers, as well as earning a major bad reputation on the independent wrestling circuit. If this doesn’t happen, Teddy Hart is still crazy, but Ring of Honor doesn’t produce a whole DVD just about the spectacle.
Advantage: Tie. These are all too insane for me to even rank together. So, it looks like I’ll have to pull out of the hat and find the tiebreaker…

Tiebreaker: MOONSAULT CONTESTS

Winner: Teddy Hart. I mean, do I even need to attempt to question it? Sonjay Dutt questioned it and, well…Sonjay Dutt is a slut. Teddy Hart takes this round in a landslide, barring Court Bauer pulling out of said contest.

Well, it looks like Ol’ Charlie put up a good fight, but at the end of the day nobody can out-crazy Mr. “Music Videos on Microchips” himself, Theodore Hart.
Thanks for reading everybody!

Ben Pasco
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