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’94 WCW BLOGJECT: 6/11/94

by on June 9, 2011

THIS WEEK! HULK HOGAN SIGNS PAPER! PARADES! LADY BOY SCOUTS!

Plus, “effiminate teammates” Paul Orndorff and Paul Roma (seriously, GLAAD would have a field day with how the voiceover guy describe Pretty Wonderful every week) face Kevin Sullivan and Cactus Jack.

We open with Bobby Heenan and Tony Schiavone at the interview area, as Gene Okerlund is in Orlando for the Hulk Hogan high-five party. Heenan walks off, upset that his mortal enemy is with WCW now.

JOHNNY B. BADD vs THE TERRORIST
-I thought The Terrorist lost his mask against the Patriot.
-I’m sure this was a hard sign to write, not knowing whether to end “booty” with a “y” or “ie” since the words “tootie fruity” end with both.

-I haven’t noticed it until now, but Terrorist ran the ropes very femme-like. He spread his arms wide and tippy-toed a lot for some macho America-hater.
-Bobby Heenan correctly used the term “stymied” when describing Hulk Hogan. Color me impressed.
-Badd wins with a top rope sunset flip. The move never made sense to me; isn’t it just giving yourself a top rope backdrop?

Col. Robert Parker, Steve Austin and Meng are at the interview set. Parker interestingly enough says that Steve Austin is under contract to him, but he won’t be accompanying him to the ring anymore, then walks off to let Austin cut a promo on Badd, who walks up to him. Austin cuts a horribly homophobic promo, ending with the odd statement that he thought Badd would make a good-looking woman. Huh. Badd knocked him out and we go to commercial.

“Diamond” DALLAS PAGE vs TODD MORTON
-This was Todd’s lone close-up.

-Morton, of course, went on to be Michael Todd Stratton of IWA Mid-South fame.
-6’5 Dallas Page bumping for 5’3 Morton like he was a big man was ridiculous.
-Dallas Page busted out an armbar takedown and Kimberly gave him a 9 out of 10, beginning the scorecard gimmick that Page would use until they did the angle in 1996 where he went broke.

-Page also broke out the single least safe-looking powerslam ever. It was a one-armed powerslam with the arm kinda-sorta wrapped around the shoulder.
-Page won with the quasi-Styles Clash.

We go to Orlando, where Eric Bischoff claimed THIS PLACE was “going crazy”.

I especially enjoyed the huge cloud of Mickey Mouse balloons. There was also a little kid repeating the director’s hand signals (stretching out imaginary string for “stretch it out”, rolling his hands for “wrap it up”, etc.).

We go to another awesome Guardian Angel video montage that resembled an educational video on homelessness than something to promote a wrestler.

“The Natural” DUSTIN RHODES vs TONY VINCENT
-Vincent, believe it or not, is Johnny B. Badd/Marc Mero’s brother, if memory serves me correct.
-Vincent seriously seemed clueless. He kept getting in Dustin’s way, he would take the world’s slowest bumps, and I think he walked himself right into a knee to the crotch during a shoulderblock from Rhodes.
-Rhodes won with the bulldog in a super-quick match.
-Dustin blew a kiss for no real reason after the match.

Dustin Rhodes then walked over to the interview area to cut a promo over footage of Slamboree, where Terry Funk ran in on the Dustin/Buck match to join the Stud Stable. Dustin briefly explained the old Rhodes/Funks feud before publicly asking Arn Anderson to join him at the Clash to wrestle the Stud Stable, using the reasoning that, when one Horseman was down, three more were immediately there, so he wants someone with experience in covering others’ backs.

We go to a promo from Larry Zbyszko, who somehow ties the right to free speech into a promo about how much he hates Lord Steven Regal. He offers Lord Regal a rematch for the World TV Title since honest Americans do that, or something. Zbyszko also gets in a shot at baseball (“It’s a great cure for insomnia!”) while talking about how, after Regal’s three strikes are up, he’s out of the title hunt. Smart move on a station owned by the guy who owns a baseball franchise.

FRANK ANDERSON vs THE GAMBLER
-Anderson was a Swedish Olympic Greco-Roman champion in 1980 who WCW signed to get notoriety on Swedish TV (which WCW had just gotten on and the WWF wasn’t on yet). This might have been his lone match on American television.
-Tell me this guy isn’t David Chokachi of Baywatch fame.

-Bobby Heenan asked if he was related to the famous Andersons, including Len and Bud.
-The Gambler was smart and based the whole match around Anderson doing leverage moves and amateur holds.
-Heenan mockingly cuts a Hulk Hogan promo and gets it almost exactly right. “Hey Mean Gene! Hey Hulkamaniacs! Hey little dudes!”
-This 6’3, blonde, tanned white Caucasian just threw the Iceman King Parsons butt-butt. I love it.
-Anderson wins with a Northern Lights Suplex.

We get a mini Clash of the Champions Control Cente with Tony Schiavone talking over B-roll. They picked the worst picture of Sensuous Sherri that they owned.

“Jungle” JIM STEEL vs BIG BAD JOHN

-They had Steel cut out a lot of the faux-Warrior stuff, including running to the ring.
-Two guys so muscled up that they can’t lift their arms exchanging armdrags is an incredible sight.
-Steel seemed to jump into the future and read these reviews or something, since he’s slowing down and trying holds and actual wrestling, but is still failing miserably.
-Steel went for his finisher (the Lou Thesz Press) and THIS is what happened:

-It was so bad that they said “eff it” and kept going.
-It’s so weird hearing Tony Schiavone repeatedly call Hulk Hogan “the five-time WWF Champion”, using his WWF past while using the name “WWF” to put him over. It’s not like TNA, where they use the WWF mythology as better than their own; they’re referring to them like they’re equals, which isn’t necessarily bad, but considering how things were in 1994, it’s just bizarre.
-“Tony, tell me this Hogan thing is a big rib on me?” -Heenan
-Steel wins with a second, more successful version of the Thesz Press. Horrible match.

We go to Eric Bischoff and Gene Okerlund in Orlando with the single most ridiculously fake planted sign in wrestling history:

I think Bischoff botched the time count, since he pitched to the next match, saying it was “45 seconds” until Hogan showed up.

PRETTY WONDERFUL (Paul Orndorff & Paul Roma) vs WCW World Tag Team Champions CACTUS JACK & KEVIN SULLVAN (w/Dave Sullivan)
-Orndorff and Jack have this awesome brawling chemistry that is somewhat unexplainable, considering their histories being completely opposite.  They had a great fight at the January 1993 Clash of the Champions and they’re killing it in this match.
-Within a minute, all four guys are in the ring and the match completely breaks down into a wild, awesome brawl.
-Tony Schiavone hypes the debut of Stars & Stripes next week, but never bothers to mention who is in the team (The Patriot and Marcus Bagwell).
-Schiavone followed that up by calling Hulk Hogan’s WCW signing “the greatest signing in the history of pro sports”. The hyperbole began far before Nitro.
-Roma accidentally gave Orndorff a top rope splash while attempting to break up a pinfall, resulting in Sullivan pinning Orndorff for the win. A wild, wild ending with all four guys fighting all over the place. Really fun match.

VADER (w/Harley Race) vs MIKE MacREYNOLDS
-Poor Mike…

(pic)

-Hilarious spot to open it up where MacReynolds goes for a collar-and-elbow tie-up and Vader legitimately grabs him by the throat with both hands, choking him while he turns colors.
-Poor, poor Mike…

-MacReynolds got the upset with a top rope dropkick! No. No, he didn’t. Vader won with a Liger Bomb. Ridiculously brutal squash.

We go back to Orlando, where Bischoff has now taken off his shirt!

“Flyin'” BRIAN PILLMAN vs BUDDY WAYNE
-Yep, Buddy Wayne of Bryan Alvarez fame…

-Buddy Wayne was a great enhancement guy. he busted his hump, he moved fast and he was TINY. He made Pillman look like a big dude.
-He’s not afraid to give up his face for the good of the business either. Pillman SLAPPED THE TASTE out of his kisser.
-Late in the match, Sensuous Sherri showed up at ringside. Her hair wanted a Light Heavyweight Title shot, I think.

-I don’t know if you can tell by this blur, but Buddy Wayne took an INCREDIBLE Marty Jannetty-style 360 bump for Pillman’s top rope clothesline. I’ve seen guys do that for regular clotheslines, but never for a top rope version. Pillman won with that move.

Tony Schiavone interviews Ric Flair at the interview area. Ric Flair’s math is a bit off, since he claimed if he beat Sting at the Clash for the International Title, he’d have “two more World Titles”. No wonder the number of title runs he’s had is so disputed. Flair went nuts and threatened to beat up Sylvester Stallone and Mr. T. just to prove Hogan isn’t so great.

We get a cheesy 90’s music video for Sting, set to Chris Benoit’s entrance music. Were the hand claps supposed to be bones breaking? The video was even more ridiculous since they inserted random Michael Buffer samples like it was a rap song.

TERRY TAYLOR vs SHANGHAI PIERCE
-This is the main event of the first Hogan Era Saturday Night. Yep.
-Well, we find out why it’s the “main event”. They cut away mid-match for the Hulk Hogan press conference.

With the money they spent on this thing, they could’ve fed ten Vaders for a week. Look at this parade…

Gene Okerlund takes the stage and either introduces Hulk Hogan or salutes his millions of Nazi followers.

While Hogan’s talking to his millions of Hulkamaniacs, a sniper comes up from behind with a camera-shaped bazooka.

They go to questions from the press, including anemic Bob Ryder and the editor-in-chief of Hulk Hogan Impersonators Monthly

 A reporter asked Hogan about his move from the WWF to WCW and he replied, “The big man upstairs moved mountains and oceans, brother!”. Seriously. Hogan closes out the press conference by taking his shirt off. If you need a screencap for that, Google is your friend.

That’s it. Amongst the two hour Hulk Hogan kiss-up fest, we did get a couple of really fun-to-watch squash matches (Vader and Pillman’s) and the Pretty Wonderful/Jack & Sullivan match was a really wild brawl that I enjoyed greatly. I know this train’s coming to an end soon, but let’s enjoy it while we can.

-TOM.
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