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’94 WWF BLOGJECT: 4/16/94

by on May 2, 2011

ZOOOOOM! TATANKA FACES KWANG! Um…that’s it.

We’re back to the chroma screen intro for Jerry Lawler & Vince McMahon this week. Lawler claimed he’s been waiting for “100 years” for Kwang to get revenge on Tatanka “for General Custer”. Yep.

LEX LUGER vs GEORGE SOUTH

-What was the point where all of the old NWA enhancement guys started working regularly for the WWF?
-Say what you will about how big of a failure Luger’s WWF run was, but the guy had some fiery offense when he was motivated.
-Luger wins quickly with the Rebel (Torture) Rack.
-This ring announcer pronounces things terribly. I swear he said “Made in the USA” Luger was from Toronto, then called him Rex Luger when he won.
-Vince must’ve been REALLY into the logos at this point, as after Luger had his hand raised, they had an effect that simulated someone stamping the screen with Luger’s logo:

-Lawler busts out his awesome telestrator to show us that Luger’s a fraud who drinks French wine, drives German cars, watches Japanese TV and has a Swiss watch.

We go to another IRS tax-payer PSA. Seriously, they couldn’t have gotten him a cleaner office?

The fact that IRS got heat off threatening to cancel fans’ health insurance is kind of great.

KWANG (w/Harvey Whippleman) vs TATANKA
-“Kwang looks at himself in the video wall…shades of Kerwin Silfies” – Vince
-I enjoy how only the wrestling chiefs (Strongbow & McDaniel) got together to give Tatanka his headdress.
-Kwang’s an awful evil Japanese wrestler just because he wastes his mist by spitting it into the air.
-I think Kwang has real boots that are modified to look like he’s wearing kickpads, which is the most bass-ackwards thing ever.
-IRS comes to ringside during the match and eyes down the headdress to cause a distraction.
-I enjoy how everyone, both in wrestling and otherwise, associated the martial arts in the mid-90’s with thrusting your hands around like some interpretive dance.
-AWESOME spot where Tatanka sees IRS touching the headdress, but as he runs towards IRS, he gets misted in the eyes and bumps for it. IRS ties Tatanka up in the ropes Andre-style and rips up the headdress.

-I really, really wish wrestling was still like this. While I guess it’s a good thing that people are trying not to be so insensitive these days, pro wrestling really is about evil men making mockeries out of other people’s cultures before getting their come-uppance.
– IRS just bumped for 90-year old, 400 pound Chief Jay Strongbow before jumping him from behind. In maybe the most cinematic acting in pro wrestling of 1994, Tatanka clutches Strongbow to his crotch and SCREAMS “WHYYYYYYY? Why would anybody do this?!?!?”

They replay the ENTIRE ANGLE after the commercial break. Whoever formatted this show must’ve thought the audience were really, really stupid. Like, unbearably stupid.
-Jerry Lawler: “Tatanka looked good wearing that headdress…he looks better eating it!”

MEN ON A MISSION (Mo & Mabel, w/Oscar) vs THE PHANTOM & SOMEONE

-White people dancing to hip hop ever is funny. In 1994, it’s ten times as hilarious.
-Between Oscar here and the Center Stage crowds for WCW, pro wrestling really whored out “Whoop, there it is!” a year after it was popular.
 -I love how, in 1994, the more morbidly obese you were, the more likely it was that you’d end up with a WWF contract.
-Mo busted out a SWEET lucha roll out of an Irish whip.
-The other enhancement guy must’ve been tall since Mabel was 6’8ish and this dude was up to his nose.
-Mabel wins the match with his awesome fat man spinning wheel kick.

Stan Lane narrates us through the Live Event Center, which is another rapid-fire set of clips that’s meant to be a straight-up commercial for the New York area house shows coming up. They kept calling Doink “The Prince of Pranks” when his match would be mentioned…who’s the king?

They’re promoting the initial “Undertaker sitings”, so the FakerTaker angle must be coming (which will make Leonard Chikarason happy).

BAM BAM BIGELOW (w/Luna) vs MIKE FREEMAN
-Mike Freeman looks like the biggest dweeb of all time.

-Bigelow CRUSHED the dork with an avalanche. He covered Freeman’s mouth and blatantly said something in his face before he did it that seemed like he was mad at him for something. If it was just a work, Bigelow’s got some impresive phony aggression.
-Bigelow wins the match with his crooked moonsault.
-They’re setting up a house show feud with Bigelow and Earthquake, judging by Lawler repeatedly saying that the ‘Quake can’t do anything that impressive.

We go to the first promo from Duke “The Dumpster” Drose.

I really wish the meeting where Vince met Drose for the first time and told him he’d make a tremendous garbageman was filmed like the Droz meeting was for Beyond the Mat.

Heartbreak Hotel w/Shawn Michaels
-Owen Hart’s the guest on this segment, though I first wanted to comment on how Shawn Michaels somehow got this legendary reputation despite wearing leather vests with mirrors in them.
-Owen must’ve screwed up the beginning of the promo since there’s a rough jump cut from him walking out to him mid-sentence with Shawn.
-This is every Owen Hart promo you heard about him wanting to beat up Bret.
-I wish wrestling was still like this where all of the heels were evil, conspiring buddies.

Yep, that guy looks like an even bigger dweeb than Mike Freeman.

EARTHQUAKE vs ERIC CODY
-Earthquake was so big that he had to walk out from behind the big screen, not through the entrance.
-Every wrestling promotion needs a fat, jolly babyface with a beard and a bald spot. Earthquake looked so happy.
-Earthquake stalled for an awkwardly long time before performing a belly-to-belly suplex. It was like a creepy uncle hug.
-Lawler is apparently on his way to a house show program with Earthquake too since he keeps talking about how he could slam him and wants the opportunity.
-Earthquake wins with the Earthquake butt splash. You could noticably tell how LOUD the ring was mic’d in this match compared to even in 2011, as the referee smacking the mat sounded like he was hitting two baseball bats together in a cave.

They announce Razor Ramon versus Adam Bomb for next week’s main event.

CRUSH (w/Mr. Fuji) vs TONY ROY

-Tony Roy probably thought he was really cute.
-Crush walks over to Nikolai Volkoff in the front row and wants him kicked out for being poor.
-Roy gets BLASTED with a thrust kick from Crush after having the gull to try getting in offense on the big Hawaiian.
-Hearing Vince actively try to toughen up Tatanka’s image after he cried on-air (“The emotion has turned to RAGE! HE’S SO MAAAAAAD!”) is hilarious.
-Crush beats Roy with the Heart Punch. Did anyone ever explain Crush’s facepaint post-heel turn?

We close the show with a rundown of next week, followed by IRS cutting a promo about the merits of gift tax (it had to do with the Tatanka angle, I swear).

Like last week, nothing on this show between the ropes could touch the WCW matches, but the Tatanka/IRS angle (while cheesy and politically incorrect as heck) was super-effective in taking their feud to the next level and giving over one-fourth of the show to them hammered the point home. Plus, a man cut a promo buried in trash. That’s good enough for a thumbs up, eh?

-TOM.
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